I know Jed thinks Blindspot might have been written for him, but even Jed will tell you this shipper-palooza of an episode, with all the touching and feeling and dancing and hand-holding was written for me.
Well, most of it, anyway.
On the non-CJ-friendly front, the ep begins with a nasty, if effective scene involving torture on an actual rack (ugh), before moving swiftly on to what somebody out there obviously, if mistakenly, thinks is a pleasant alternative: Patterson’s Pushy boyfriend stalking her with the help of local coffee vendors.
(FAO fellows who have been dumped by their girlfriends and are thinking of following in Pushy’s footsteps: please disabuse yourselves of the notion that this kind of crap is cute. It isn’t.)
Patterson seems a lot less creeped out by Pushy’s refusal to take no for an answer than I would be, though, and reminds him much more gently than he deserves that It. Is. Over. Unbelievably, this fool still doesn’t get the message, interpreting it as an invitation to keep meddling in her work instead of naffing right off but, luckily, before Patterson needs to start thinking about restraining orders, someone less merciful than her steps in and takes some more decisive action to stop Pushy forever.
Is it wrong to be pleased?
With the Pushy business out of the way, then, let’s move on to the REAL point of “Authentic Flirt” – our hero and heroine “going undercover as a couple.” OMG. Regular readers will know I live for this type of episode; done well, it’s the second-greatest gift a procedural TV show can give, and this particular one was done brilliantly.
The why and how we get to the undercover stage isn’t remotely important – ok, it involves some geek-speak about Internet forums and the Tattoo of the Week, but who on earth cares? All we need to know is that Jane and Kurt end up having to pose as married assassins at a posh gala in order to retrieve a super-important list from a crazy evil rich dude!!!!!!!
OMG again. Married. Assassins. At a gala. So Kurt gets to put a ring on it (it being Jane’s finger). Literally. The pair of them get to touch each other. More or less constantly. They get to annihilate any baddies in their way. And they get to do it in evening wear.
As if all this weren’t already enough to make my head explode, the writers throw in an ex-girlfriend of Kurt’s to a) make Jane jealous (check), b) make fun of Kurt when he sees Jane in her gala dress and loses the power of speech (check) and c) tease Jane and Kurt about how they feel about each other (check, check and check).
OMG A THIRD TIME. I love this kind of stuff.
The fact that Kurt is actually enjoying himself for a change helps in no small measure, too. His little smile when Jane points out the mission requires a woman who can speak Bulgarian. His big smile when he takes Jane in his arms and suggests she might be a tango champion. And his unmitigated delight when she remonstrates with him for getting all caveman-y with the guards and he gets to growl “You’re my wife.” You GUYS. I’m not the only one who loves this kind of stuff – Kurt is having the time of his life.
All of this fabulousness, a properly funny script, and some genuinely thrilling, if completely ridiculous, action sequences (Kurt and the glass! The synchronised shooting of the guards! The chopper rescue at the end!)…. the only thing missing was the actual greatest gift a procedural TV show can give – the snog, of course – but that’ll come soon enough. This ep was still ace.