An insanely frustrating episode where everyone keeps saying one thing then doing the opposite begins, in fairness, promisingly enough: Jane is having a lot more fun asleep than she usually does awake, as she and a faceless, but very amorous, fellow explore each other’s, um, tattoos.
Being Jane, however, as soon as she wakes up from this dream, she’s all wigged out about it and, instead of hi-fiving herself, decides to share the deets with the sensitive psychologist who tries really hard not to rub his hands at the prospect of this top quality gossip but cannot resist the opportunity to analyse/ship in the manner of a young CJ Cregg at a sleepover.
“What, you think it’s Weller?” says Jane, rightly pointing out that, unlike Dream Lover, Weller doesn’t have a tree tattoo. (Nor does Weller have that much hair on his head, she could also have said, but no need to labour the point.) “You said that, not me,” says the sensitive psychologist almost dancing with delight, and proceeding to spin some rubbishy theory about the tree representing stability and strength, because he might have a man crush on Weller himself. Shows what the psychologist knows, since we find out later that the Tree tattoo does in fact represent – SPOILER – an actual Tree tattoo, but Jane still allows herself to be convinced and weirdly discomfited by the idea she might be having sex dreams about the manly man she’s been spending every moment gazing and pawing at for several weeks now. “Yeah, and now he’s in my dreams. He’s everywhere,” she grumbles. Um, yes, Jane. Didn’t bother you last week. Or the week before….
The sensitive psychologist – switching from shipper to saboteur mode – then completely contradicts himself by suggesting Jane try keeping her “interactions with (Kurt) limited to a professional context.” What? Dude, nobody is watching this for the “professionalism.” But there seems to be an outbreak of this kind of lunacy this week as Kurt – having had an uncomfortable night himself too, albeit in a much less relaxed way than Jane – also allows himself to be talked (by Mayfair) into a renewed effort to play it cool around his tattooed lady pal.
Unfortunately for Jane, Kurt has mixed up “objective” and “obnoxious” in the dictionary, and decides the best way to maintain professional distance is to be rude to her throughout the episode. Jane is NOT happy about this, either. “He’s pushing me away,” she complains to the sensitive psychologist, which is surprising because was she not JUST COMPLAINING that Weller was all up in her everywhere five minutes earlier? And gets even more surprising when she successfully confronts Mr Hardass about it, he relents (and makes another joke! If he keeps this up, he’ll be doing stand-up before we know it) and offers her a lift home/night out, only for her to knock him back – EH? – all “I need room to breathe.” GIRL. What happened to all that hand-on-heart “starting point” jazz last week? What happened to two. minutes. ago. when you were upset he wasn’t your BFF anymore? Make up your MIND.
All this bafflingly inconsistent hot and cold, yes and no carry-on not only distracts from the Mystery of the Week, it pretty much is the Mystery of the Week since the actual investigation is more like a scavenger hunt than a proper case, the effect of which is somewhat spoilt at each stage by someone (usually Patterson) announcing how impossible the next bit is before they solve it immediately with no real effort at all.
It all kicks off with the murder of a Saudi prince caused by an Evil App (never mind). Patterson is adamant: there’s no way she can find the Evil App maker, nuh-uh, “it’s not like looking for a needle in a haystack,” “it’s like looking for a very specific piece of hay in the haystack” – yeah, ok, we get it. Can’t be done. Except that, literally seconds later, it is done. And the hay’s found, detained and locked up in the interrogation room before the next commercial break.
The rest of the investigation follows similar lines. The “hay” – a teenage girl genius who bonds with Jane over their sad lonely lives despite Kurt’s best efforts to be a jerk about it – leads them to the Evil App maker, and everyone’s like “Oh no, there’s no way we can get him away from the Evil App and destroy it.” Except that, boom, before Jane can even adjust her errant gun holster, they can and do.
Then the “hay” is kidnapped, so everyone’s all “Oh no, there’s no way we can possibly work out where the baddies took her.” Till – yup – before Weller can even finish beating his chest in muscly frustration – they do.
Of course, doing impossible things is Team Tattoo’s entire job description, but the step-by-step obstacle course nature of this week’s ep meant that everything they did actually seemed more, not less, straightforward than usual. So all the protestations otherwise may have been entirely consistent with the general contrary nature of the ep, but they annoyed me all the more for it. I liked Hacker Girl, though. And the RPG stunt with the car – that was very cool.