Hey, guess what? Qasim’s not been picked up by Homeland Security, after all. Hooray! I got that wrong. Which is just as well for the show, since the half of the cast currently looking for him would really be stuck for things to do if he had been. Keep away from those losers, Yusuf!
Speaking of which…. Loser no.1 Peter has decided, since all his previous plans have ended in bloody disaster (see: Gentry, Danny and Thug, Nameless Scary), to try a different tack and pretend to make a deal with Baker and SOC. “If you don’t do what they want, they’ll hurt the children?” asks a shocked Mrs Peter, kicking off what seems to be “Silly Questions” week on the show. Well, Mrs Peter, they killed a whole troupe of soldiers and the drone operator about to blow the whistle on them, and then they framed your husband for murder, so, um, what do you think?
Given the obviousness of the answer, Mrs Peter, her angry daughter and cheerfully clueless son (bless him, he seems to have slept through all of eps 1-7) head off to visit Grandma quick-smart, while Peter stays behind to work on not getting anyone else killed. Good luck with that, Peter!
Elsewhere in New York, Odelle’s husband Ron and daughter Suzanne are on a sort-of-date (too soon, Ron, too soon) with Lucy, the supposedly grieving fiancée of one of Odelle’s colleagues. Lucy, however, is enjoying both Ron and her food way too much to be a grieving anything. “What did we do before quinoa?” she wonders, grabbing the silly questions baton with both hands. Um…. same things we do now, Lucy? If you’re actually a spy, surely you can come up with better lines than that.
Suzanne manages to avoid this ode to pseudocereal by running to a nearby bookshop where a seemingly random – oh, Suzanne, honey, as if – woman buys her The Lord of the Rings, ostensibly out of kindness, but really because she’s a spy too. (Does she know Lucy, I wonder?)
Fellow spy/assassin Ruby-not-a-Reporter doesn’t care about quinoa and is nowhere near a bookshop, though, so she decides to try a different, unnervingly intimate method of charming Bob’s mum (who she’s met twice for all of five minutes) instead: massaging her sore legs. I mean… what? I’m sure they hurt, but… what?
A justifiably creeped out Bob kicks Ruby out, but then has to endure the mortification of his mum pointing out he’s in love with Harrison and encouraging him to go for it, because Ruby fan Bob’s mum is the worst judge of character ever. FFS, Mrs Offer. Harrison would make a terrible boyfriend, just like he makes a terrible everything else.
But Bob and his mum are not the only ones inexplicably smitten with this imbecile, oh no. Supposedly hardened spy/assassin Ruby has also succumbed to Harrison’s invisible charms; gazing tenderly at him as he sleeps, bafflingly reluctant to end his misery and the audience’s by killing him like her boss wants her to. Oh, Ruby. Is there a shortage of eligible men in spy/assassin circles? And by “a shortage”, I mean ABSOLUTELY NOBODY WHO IS NOT A MORON that you could go out with?
As usual, then, the only part of the show worth watching is the Africa part. Lots going on there this week, as the devastated Diallo manages to lose Shakir, his men, Evil Frank and consciousness all in the space of about ten minutes, leaving Evil Frank free to walk to Tienfala in pursuit of Odelle and the flash drive.
Odelle herself, meanwhile, is busy pretending to dislike the grumpily irresistible Luc (girl, it’s Gregory Fitoussi, come on). “I’m sorry,” he says (although he’s not) “I always get a little cranky when my girlfriends get shot in the head!” Hee. Perhaps I shouldn’t have laughed, but I did.
Undeterred by Luc’s refusal to go with them, though, Odelle and Aslam hit the road again, which means, yes, our intrepid twosome just miss Evil Frank (again) but also means they finish up the episode stuck in the desert surrounded by bloodthirsty bandits. Which makes idiot Odelle asking Luc, the smartest person on the show “How have you survived so long being so stupid?!” not only exceptionally silly, but also deeply ironic. And absolutely hilarious. Heh.